A Personal Journey Through OCD: Sharing Inside My Obsessive Mind

I am currently struggling with OCD. I am on a journey to heal and recover, but I want to share my mind with you so you can see through the eyes of a person suffering from OCD.

I define obsessive-compulsive disorder as being captive to your own thoughts. You are imprisoned by your own thoughts, and guess who the warden is? You!

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is a mental health disorder that is characterized by repetitive actions that seem impossible to stop. What this means is that you keep doing things over and over again to perfect them even when they are already perfect. There are different stages of obsessive-compulsive disorder, and people who are struggling with OCD are dealing with trauma that emanates from different levels and aspects of their lives.

I am suffering from this disorder, and it has been a struggle with a lot of things. I believe that as I begin to share and seek help, I will be on my way to recovery. I know this doesn't happen overnight, but if you know anyone with OCD, just know that these are their struggles.

The mind of an OCD sufferer

Growing up, I always desired my own room. I wanted my space to be neat, tidy, and just the way I envisioned it in my mind. What I can vividly remember when I started using hand sanitizers was when my mom's friend brought a mini pocket hand sanitizer to my house and told my mom about this pocket sanitizer, which was advertised at her workplace by a seller, and how important it is to always carry around a hand sanitizer. She also told my mom that she could eat without washing her hands if there wasn't any resource available at that point to wash her hands; that she could use the sanitizer in place of water in that case; and that it was safe. I was standing at the gate with my mom, and to me, that was a very good product. I was still growing, but I do not remember how old I was when this happened.

I had mild OCD growing up, and during my secondary education at a boarding school facility, I couldn't stand a lot of things. I got easily irritated and always arranged my cupboard over and over again.

Getting to Ukraine I lived alone for the most part, but my OCD gradually worsened with time. When the coronavirus outbreak was announced, it progressed even further. I was terrified and got all the products recommended to kill germs and bacteria. I didn't go out during the quarantine. I obeyed every COVID-19 rule, but the bad side of this was that my OCD became worse, and I think even along the line, a lot of people developed OCD.

As a person suffering from OCD, my brain keeps running 24/7. I get stressed out easily, and I just can't help myself but make sure everything is just the way I want it to be.

For me, OCD happens this way.

It's not just about what the people around me see. It's a struggle to resist the urge to wash, clean, and rearrange a place over and over again. My brain is never at rest when I am awake. I keep imagining the worst scenarios for how I could be infected with bacteria. People around me sometimes don't understand. It affects my mood, and I just want you all to know that people with severe OCD are struggling and need to be treated nicely. 

I cry when it seems like people around me do not understand me. I can't stand to see sharp objects around me for fear of them cutting me and thinking they will infect me. I am afraid of broken tiles and rough walls. It is crazy over here, I tell you.

If you know anyone suffering from this condition, please be nice to them, and encourage them, and one strong tip to help them is to stop scattering what they have arranged or put in place. Be neat and tidy around them, and avoid things that cause triggers, because this will help them stay a long time without having to arrange or do something with regards to repetitive actions. When the brain is less exposed to the activities that cause you to do things with prolonged absences, you tend to gradually forget these activities. I call it the "gradual step-down" method of OCD recovery.

There are things I do not do as a person suffering from OCD. In the past years, I have only had four visitors in my house, and these were three friends and the house owner. Their visit wasn't regular because I felt having people in my house increased my exposure to germs. I am not comfortable with giving handshakes; I give side hugs; I don't touch handles and rails. I don't use public toilets, etc. I get scared easily, and when I touch something that isn't clean, I get terrified and very uncomfortable. I am no longer able to concentrate until I wash my hands. I often have vaginal disbalance due to excessive washing, which results in changes in the pH and the natural microflora present in the vagina.

Oftentimes, I am afraid of using the restroom in my house, even as clean as it is. I have a lot of restrictions that I know I can be free from, but the more I try, the less it works because my imagination keeps screaming at me and it is hard for me to express myself sometimes. It makes me anxious and unhappy sometimes, and occasionally I keep pacing around as a result of this.

This also contributed to my clay (nzu) addiction because I wanted to have a feeling of dryness around me, which translated as neatness and a germ-free environment, so I always burned paper to produce a dry fire smell, and this triggered my urge to eat clay. I also developed an eating disorder, which is now back to normal: generalized anxiety, which gets triggered when I come in contact with something irritating; and sometimes I hoard things. I like to stay in an empty room.

Life can sometimes be selfish and all about me, which I know is wrong, but how can I help myself?

Please take note that this can affect men, women, and children. You should be careful not to unintentionally propagate this disorder in children and help them as soon as you notice it.

Obsessive disorder can be linked to a family history of the disorder, caused by differences in the brain, life events like being bullied, abused, or ignored, and personality traits like being neat, methodical, and having high standards.

The major signs of OCD are:

Obsessions: A persistent, unwanted, and frequently upsetting idea, image, or urge invades your head. emotions: The obsession results in a strong sense of anxiety or distress.

Compulsive: Repetitive actions or thoughts that a person with OCD feels driven to do because of the anxiety and pain caused by the obsession.

Even though I need to take a practical step toward seeing a therapist, I did some research on how OCD can be treated, and here is what I have to share.

There are two main treatments recommended by the NHS, which are:

Psychological therapy. This is a type of therapy that helps you face your fears and unwanted thoughts without having to engage in compulsions to "fix" them. You need to see a GP or therapist.

Antidepressant medication can be prescribed to assist in adjusting the chemical balance in your brain.

These drugs have side effects.

You can also join OCD support groups in your area run by national charities like OCD Action, OCD-UK, and TOP UK.

Today I urge you to see through the eyes, racing brains, and fighting minds of people with obsessive-compulsive disorder and help someone by sharing this article and being nice. This condition can cause people to become suicidal. Be kind and don't judge them because they are constantly fighting a battle you sometimes don't see.

I shared this article on 10/14/2022 by 8:30 pm but decided to reshare it again because I want to share my progress with you all.  

Thank you for taking the time to read. Have a nice day.