How to deal with emotional unavailability

Feelings are hard to understand. When sex and closeness enter a relationship, they add a whole new layer of complexity.

Emotional availability in relationships is when two people are able to share a healthy emotional connection. That means being able to talk openly about your feelings and the other person's feelings, and being aware of what the other person wants and needs emotionally. It works both ways. A healthy relationship can't grow if one person isn't emotionally available. Often, this can make you feel like there's something missing from your relationship and that your conversations never go deeper than the surface—or that the other person just doesn't understand where you're coming from. In close relationships, being emotionally unavailable kills any chance of a real connection based on good communication and being open with each other.

It's pretty clear that emotional availability is a big part of romantic relationships, but that doesn't mean it's not also important in less serious relationships. Even if you don't want to date your FWB, that doesn't mean that being emotionally unavailable will help either of you. What might feel like a way to protect yourself can actually lead to misunderstandings and disappointments. Even if you don't feel romantic, that doesn't mean you don't feel anything. And if you are close to someone physically, you are more likely to feel something.

Can you have sex without getting close? Certainly, in a long-term relationship, how available you are emotional does have a big effect on sex. Researchers have found that intimacy and responsiveness from a partner (which can be thought of as parts of emotional availability) are linked to more sexual desire. Researchers also found that emotional closeness in older couples has a strong link to their sexual health. And for women in particular, having more emotional intimacy is linked to more sexual satisfaction because having more emotional intimacy makes it easier to talk.

How to make yourself emotionally available

Being emotional available will help keep your relationship or marriage happy and healthy. There's no doubt that being emotionally available in close relationships is a good thing, but it doesn't happen overnight. You can't also figure out how it works by going backward: Even though sex does cause the "love hormone," oxytocin, to be released, the bonding you might feel after sex isn't the same as being emotionally available. You could also ask yourself if you are getting in your own way or if you have to limit ideas about your role in relationships. A therapist might be able to help.

How to deal with a partner who is emotionally unavailable

Emotional availability isn't a constant. It can change over time, which can make you feel like a partner isn't fully "there" or like they're slipping away. If being emotionally unavailable is still a problem in the relationship, you might want to think about couples therapy or individual therapy, and you might also want to think about whether the relationship can still work.

Emotional unavailability in a partner isn't always a sign that the relationship is over, but it's also not something you can "fix" in someone else. Relationships take work from both sides, and emotional openness from just one person isn't enough to keep a healthy connection going in the long run.

Feelings are hard to understand. When sex and closeness enter a relationship, they add a whole new layer of complexity.

Emotional availability in relationships is when two people are able to share a healthy emotional connection. That means being able to talk openly about your feelings and the other person's feelings, and being aware of what the other person wants and needs emotionally. It works both ways. A healthy relationship can't grow if one person isn't emotionally available. Often, this can make you feel like there's something missing from your relationship and that your conversations never go deeper than the surface—or that the other person just doesn't understand where you're coming from. In close relationships, being emotionally unavailable kills any chance of a real connection based on good communication and being open with each other.

It's pretty clear that emotional availability is a big part of romantic relationships, but that doesn't mean it's not also important in less serious relationships. Even if you don't want to date your FWB, that doesn't mean that being emotionally unavailable will help either of you. What might feel like a way to protect yourself can actually lead to misunderstandings and disappointments. Even if you don't feel romantic, that doesn't mean you don't feel anything. And if you are close to someone physically, you are more likely to feel something.

Can you have sex without getting close? Certainly, in a long-term relationship, how available you are emotional does have a big effect on sex. Researchers have found that intimacy and responsiveness from a partner (which can be thought of as parts of emotional availability) are linked to more sexual desire. Researchers also found that emotional closeness in older couples has a strong link to their sexual health. And for women in particular, having more emotional intimacy is linked to more sexual satisfaction because having more emotional intimacy makes it easier to talk.

How to make yourself emotionally available

There's no doubt that being emotionally available in close relationships is a good thing, but it doesn't happen overnight. You can't also figure out how it works by going backward: Even though sex does cause the "love hormone," oxytocin, to be released, the bonding you might feel after sex isn't the same as being emotionally available. You could also ask yourself if you are getting in your own way or if you have to limit ideas about your role in relationships. A therapist might be able to help.

How to deal with a partner who is emotionally unavailable

Emotional availability isn't a constant. It can change over time, which can make you feel like a partner isn't fully "there" or like they're slipping away. If being emotionally unavailable is still a problem in the relationship, you might want to think about couples therapy or individual therapy, and you might also want to think about whether the relationship can still work.

Emotional unavailability in a partner isn't always a sign that the relationship is over, but it's also not something you can "fix" in someone else. Relationships take work from both sides, and emotional openness from just one person isn't enough to keep a healthy connection going in the long run.